Sunday, February 13, 2011

My Happy Face Is Broken

So many people are being so nice and supportive. My family. My friends. People in this hospital. My friends online.

But this is harder than Cytoxan. I know it will pass, but right this minute, all alone. It's just so hard.

I know what I am experiencing is small potatoes. But it doesn't feel this way here alone in my hospital room.

I am weak and nauseous. I am having trouble swallowing from esophageal mucositis. It will get worse in the next few days.

All I have done is sleep. Today I couldn't even manage to shower. I washed what body parts I could standing in front of the sink, making a big mess.

My teeth are brushed. And I have saltines. I am going to try to sleep through more of this. My counts have to drop and come back up. It's the process.

But I wish it wasn't so late so I could call my Dad and listen to him tell me it will be better soon.


Teresa said...

Wish I had "dad power" for ya - oh well must improvise. I have a keyboard... yeah - not nearly the same thing.

But the idea is that it's sucky now and will get better. So we need a sign on the wall that you can see - "Better is headed your way".

You're hanging in there. Take it in baby steps... even inch along when you must and you will get past this.

ponsdorf said...

Thinking of you.

You will be blossoming with the spring.

SquidThoughts said...

--"Pain is weakness leaving the body."

This is a rather harsh, but truthful statement. One of the most valuable lessons the Navy taught me is that personal boundaries, physical and mental, are not as fixed as we believe them to be. The line in the sand is soft and will move when we push against it. Just when you think you can't stay awake any longer, be any hungrier, go further physically, or endure any more can. And do.

When you feel you're on the island all by yourself, think of this: your suffering is not without purpose. It is, though difficult and unfortunate, a necessary condition. Your body and mind are in battle! Your external support network is absolutely vital. But ultimately the fight is your own, and you can either dwell on the pain or focus on how far you have come and what you are accomplishing. Think of it! Could you have imagined a year ago, 6 months ago, that you could have endured everything you have already passed through? Day by day you are marching forward, shoving your line further and further forward! You are picking 'em up and putting 'em down. That is absolutely amazing and something you can be incredibly proud of.

Realize that you have great intelligence and potential. This is a source of immense strength and power! I believe a lot of times despair is caused by a feeling of powerlessness. You may, with good reason, feel powerless against your illness and treatment because it is all happening TO you. Focus on what you CAN control--note each and every accomplishment, no matter how small it seems. These are the things you have done! Find a place in your mind, a mental cozy reading nook, a sunny meadow under a tree, the deck of the Constitution watching colors. Some place, that is yours alone and inviolate. That is your Captain's chair, your command post, from which you oversee the battle. When things get fierce, go there and breathe. Reconnoiter. Make a funny.

I hope what I've written doesn't come across as harsh or minimizing what you are going through. I and so many others are cheering you on and thinking of you as you fight! We don't just wish good thoughts, I think we all KNOW you can do this. You are strong! With each passing day you endure more and your line advances.

You are a warrior goddess--don't ever forget it.


SquidThoughts said...

On a lighter note than my previous comment, my standard self pep-talk when my day turns to crap is what we used to tell each other on the ship: "It could be worse--you could be on fire."

But since that might not be completely applicable in your case, I thought I'd make up one for you: "It could be worse--you could be stuck in an elevator between floors with Michael Yon, the Captain and Tenille on endless muzak loop, and naught but a bean burrito to split between the two of you."


Mark Tempest said...

Keep the faith.

We're all behind you in this fight.


PME said...

Hang in there, Maggie. There are lots of folks out here thinking of you and wishing you well. Happy Valentine's day from someone who thinks you are a terrific lady !!

Middleboro Jones said...

Prayers for you and strength....hang in there.

Middleboro Jones said...

Prayers for you....sorry to hear things are tough.

Just like the winter we have endured, Spring is coming.....for you too.

Soldiers Angels said...

Aww, Maggie... *hugs* Wish I could make it go faster for you. Each minute means one minute closer to getting well.

Leta said...

Think about you SEVERAL times every day. A lady here at work is about to go through the stem cell transplant in April for the same reasons as you. I've been telling EVERYONE about you and what an inspiration you are.

Keep the faith Maggie. As ponsdorg said, "You will be blossoming in the spring"

Much love and support from here.

Yer Marine said...

Washing your body parts and brushing your teeth puts you two ahead of about a quarter of the Vermonters that frequent my diner....

What do you give for Valentine's Day to a lady who has chocolate???

kate said...

even though it doesn't seem possible right now, it will get better maggie. i am praying for you.