Thursday, April 03, 2008

Dwelling On the Past

For some reason, I have been thinking about Patrick......

When I was in 8th grade and Patrick was in 7th, we had a rough time.....all my fault, I assure you. Patrick was, to put it simply, the ideal Charlestown "catch". He was good looking, a hockey star, funny, and from a popular family. And Patrick had a crush on Princess Crabby, who was, if you can imagine, even more difficult and hysterical back then.

He pursued me ardently and for some reason, I did not trust it. I couldn't relax and go with it. I couldn't just let things take their natural course. I tormented him. This went on for months. He was as nice as he could be. He tried everything. I was as difficult as I could be.

I have many happy memories of being with him, he was funny and charming. His friends were funny. It was exciting to be with him. Everyone knew him and admired is a big deal in Charlestown. I loved to have him sit near me, although I would never say it to him. I loved to have him hold my hand, although I would pull my hand away. I can remember being breathless when he stood very close and looked in my eyes.

But even someone as self assured as Patrick could only take so much of my indecision and rejection and hysteria. Finally, he gave up.

Then I was sorry. But it was too late. I would have given anything to go back and do things differently.

We went off to different high schools and rarely saw each other. When we did see each other, he was understandably bitter. I saw him once as an adult. I was sitting in my car and he was leaning in the window. He smiled at me and I felt that same stomach drop.

Funny how these things work.

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