Yesterday wasn't good and I tried my best to turn it around. But, sometimes it's just going to end badly and you can't win. Sometimes you should just stand back and let it crash and burn.
It wasn't all the bad in the beginning. I was just a little harried. Late (that's no big deal), trying to settle in at work before SB came on line. Then I heard someone in the office talking in those malicious gossipy tones that told me I wanted to turn my bad ear toward that conversation. But then I heard the name. I was startled and turned around demanding to know what she was talking about. I heard the story and my heart was broken. Someone I have known for more than a quarter century, someone whose wife I had known since childhood was dead. And worse, we were assured in hushed lurid words....by his own hand.
I could barely grasp this. SB came on line and even through IM felt something wrong. He demanded to be told. He did his best to cheer and distract me, but I was adrift.
I reached out and made some phone calls, left some messages and waited. Alternating between grief and anger.
Finally Paul called. Yes, he was dead, but God! No! Not by his own hand. How strange to be relieved, happy in my state of grief.
The afternoon passed in stops and starts. I would work, but then I would remember and almost cry.
Jen and I discussed it all afternoon in email, the tragedy itself, his children, his family and my anger at the gossip that had me thinking poorly of him. It was decided we would go to see something weepy at the movies. That is what we do when something sad happens. We watch a sad movie and get it all out.
We picked "Atonement". Ugh! Don't bother. It was tragic all right, tragically stupid. I felt cheated. I would rather sit through Spiderman again.