What If Maggie Lost Her Mind...........

...........would anyone notice?

Kinda like "If a tree fell in the forest.............."

I'm not helping myself sitting in the dark listening to Grieg and Barber.

It's been such a roller coaster. I am getting nauseous.

Last night I knew I had to get to sleep early because I had to be in work unusually early. Special projects. So at 2130 I took two Ambien. I was asleep by 2200. I use the phone as an alarm. This morning when I woke up to shut off the tone.......I saw that I had made a phone call at 2254.........for 63 minutes.

Shit.

But I did make it to work on time. I had two Medicare webinars on different subjects. I was ready to tear my hair out. It was a frantic, busy, aggravating day.

Someone sent me a wonderful email today and I can't answer her.

At 1600 I realized that I had eaten nothing substantial since breakfast, I dashed out and grabbed something. At least I understood why I was so shaky.

I left earlier for Stations this week.....and got there later. Traffic. Anyway, I arrived at the sixth Station. I managed not to start crying until the 14th. Better than last week.

When I got to the car there was voice mail from my son Tom. "Hey, I just called to say hi and I love you." then the horrid put on southern accent "and Jesus does too!". I stopped crying and laughed. My son is really funny and his imitations are very good.

I drove down to Friendly's to get an ice cream soda and something for my parents. Who is in Friendly's at 2000 on a Friday night? Why, the Lamaze class that just let out. I am not kidding. I waited forever while pregnant women waffled about what ice cream to get. The staff was so frazzled that when they gave me chocolate ice cream for my father instead of chocolate chip, I just took it and ran.

There was a wake at Carr's so I ended up parked illegally and just ran down to my parent's house.

My mother was eating ice cream when I walked in. Of course.

I went upstairs to hand my father a spoon. "What destroyer class started with "S"?"
I pull out the phone and dialed SB. I repeated the question with no preamble. "What?" I repeated it. "Sims". I repeated that to my father. He made the "You've-just-said-something-ridiculous" face and shook his head. "You're wrong." I said into the phone. A very puffed up SB barked "Sez who?!" That was funnier than my son's fake drawl! "My father." A much quieter, "Oh." I hang up, walk down the stairs. At the foot of the stairs my cell rings, I see who is calling and laugh as I answer. "Spruance!" he says triumphantly. I call the answer up to my father. "That's right!" he replies. I tell SB "Good job" and hang up.

My mother tells me to sit down. I know I look wild eyed and my face is tear stained. I tell her I can't, I'm parked illegally. I start to leave and I stop at the front door. I tell her Stations is killing me. I start to choke up. She tries to stop me, but she also asks what I mean. I tell her Stations points out what I am doing wrong and I am ashamed.

Despair is sin you know. I am acutely aware of that.

I tell her it's ok. She tells me that my cousin is pregnant and I smile and say that's good. I leave.

I get a text from Jennifer scolding me from going and upsetting them. Clearly my mother called her as soon as I was out the door.

All my problems started six weeks into chemo.

It's been six weeks since I've stopped chemo.

Why isn't it any better?