I psyched myself out and had a shitty day. But I have pulled my head out of my ass and I'm ready to press on.
When I had the last infusion a week ago, they mentioned it would take a little bit for the drugs to work their way out of my system. They said I would be clear by Wednesday or Thursday. So as crappy as I felt over the weekend, I just kept saying "Wednesday or Thursday" like a mantra. Just kept on keeping on, with my eye on Wednesday & Thursday.
I was kinda mental on Friday......but I was waiting for Wednesday and Thursday.
I was tired and weepy on Saturday.....but I was waiting for Wednesday and Thursday.
I was achy and awake all night Sunday.....but I was waiting for Wednesday and Thursday.
I missed out on my scheduled fun on Monday.....but I was waiting for Wednesday and Thursday.
Tuesday I only got to some of the stuff I had scheduled, but it was progress and I thought there was nowhere to go but up.
Wednesday I had a list of things to get to and the going was slow, but I did get to everything. Met my friend Trish for breakfast. Ran my errands. Got to the gym. Stopped in work and was very little help, lol. Dinner with my sisters and our cousins. Not bad.
Best of all......the next day would be BETTER.
It was like I had to flu. I slept poorly. Woke up achy. Got winded showering.
HOW CAN THIS BE????? It is Thursday! I have been waiting for effin' Thursday like it was effin' Christmas!
And then I started dwelling on everything I am missing. It's Heritage Week on the USS Constitution. I had plans. I have been looking forward to this for ages. I had fun last year and this year would only be better. I was invited to some of the events. Do I even have to explain to you how excited I was? Do I need to tell you how upset I am to know that I am missing these things?
And I am trying to get ready for another "La-la-la" next week. Actually two. First is a trip to Miami, Florida to see alligators with Andi. And then onto Indiana for TSO & Caro's wedding.
I was starting to panic.
I scrubbed the half bath on my hands and knees. Have I mentioned that I am turning into Howard Hughes.....in his later crazy germa-phobe years? Yeah, anti-bacterial this...anti-microbial that....Clorox is my friend. I don't care about creating super bugs. I can think only about the drugs that are depressing my natural immunities. Sorry.
Finally, I hit a point where I couldn't stand being alone with my own thoughts. I got in the car and took my sorry butt into work. I dumped all my unhappiness on the girls in the office. they tried logic and sympathy....two things I am impervious to. Then they just let it go and in the course of talking about work and their lives, I had a few laughs and felt better.
Then I decided to take myself to the movies. I have said it before....but I am my own favorite date. I get to pic the movie, I buy myself popcorn, I never talk during the movie. Really, I am an awesome movie date. LOL I went to Hingham's Loring Hall to see "The Girl Who Played With Fire". It's the second of the Millennium series - the first was "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" which I saw at the Plimoth Cinema a while ago. I missed the showing in Plimoth two weeks ago when I was blindsided by Dr. Miller (yes...yes... I know I am being childish and unfair in that characterization).
Then I drove home along 3A. A beautiful drive along the shoreline with the moon almost full.
So I've read my emails and some blogs. I've cleaned the kitchen and living room. I've posted this and gotten it all out of my system.
If tomorrow works....it works. If it doesn't....it doesn't. I've got to accept that I can't control it or I will never make it through the next few months. I've got to let go when my plans don't work.
4 years ago