...."I wish I wasn't right about this."???
I never understood that. Until today.
I LOVE BEING RIGHT! Until today.
I have said the words "I wish I wasn't right about this." with the proper sincere tone. But I didn't mean it. Until today.
Four four fucking months I have said "I don't have any symptoms. What if I am doing this for nothing?"
And I was RIGHT.
I DID THIS FOR NOTHING.
FOR FOUR EFFING MONTHS.
There was nothing wrong with me until I let them make me do things to cause problems.
Do you understand that? Because I when I tell people they just nod sympathetically. But I don't think they see.
Ask anyone who saw me in July. I was 32 lbs lighter. Tons of energy. A little tan.
Where am I now? I told him today. I am poor and getting stupider by the minute. "By the minute?" he repeated. It's true. I waved "Sea of Thunder" at him. I gestured toward Jennifer "Do you see this? I started it last week and she wants to know why I am not finished yet. I can't focus."
He read the title. He told me not to take it the wrong way, but he thinks I am the only female patient who has ever had a book about a naval battle in his office.
Now I know how people feel when the police specialist tries to talk them off the ledge.
I probably got maybe half my points across today.
I told him that I wasn't going to do a transplant until my numbers were much better. He agreed, that made perfect sense.
He said Velcade is generally well tolerated.
That's what he said about Revlimid.
4 years ago