The Date Is Set

So the one question people who know about the cancer and the chemo and the SCT always ask is "When do you start?" I give some vague three week time frame.

Because of course......I don't want to do it.

Yes, yes, I know that I have to. I know that it's the best course of action. I know that other people go through worse and for less return on investment so to speak.

But I don't want to do it and I have been undermining the process. I wanted some extra time. Just a week or two.

Do some extra things.

Like brush my effin' hair.

Anyway, the original plan as set out was that it would be scheduled after Blue Cross approved it. That approval usually took two weeks. Then dates would be set. That's where I came up with the three week answer. But I was late paying my insurance, not to the point of cancellation or anything. So I told Denise to wait until I straightened it out. I told her that I would call on January 3rd to confirm everything was paid up, etc. Otherwise she would have sent it all in as soon as she had the results of the tests I did on December 20th, 21st & 22nd. Probably around the 28th. Approval coming around the 11th of January. So I pushing it out to the next week.

But I didn't call her on the 3rd. She called me on the 5th. I was at lunch and I saw the number and assumed it was another phantom call about the incorrectly scheduled infusion and let it go to voice mail. When I listened to the message later, I realized it was Denise. So I called and left her voice mail explaining everything was settled. At that point I figured I had until the 27th, you know, 3 weeks from the 6th when Denise would submit the paperwork.

No.

She called yesterday morning to tell me that she scheduled the Cytoxan for next Friday, the 14th. I asked how she could do that if Blue Cross was going to take two weeks to authorize it. She explained that she requested Blue Cross expedite the process because it was urgent. Apparently I have been shooting myself in the foot and the longer I get from the last chemo treatment - December 13th - there could be a problem? I don't know. But Denise was telling me that she told them to "run it like a fire drill". I was so shocked that it was accelerated. I didn't ask questions. I was concentrating on walking down the stairs because I was trying to leave for the Kelley rally and the stairs, up or down, are a problem. Plus I didn't want to hear what she was saying.....so I wasn't hearing what she was saying, lol. That's how I roll, baby!

Then I was standing in the dining room and she was talking about blood work, and schedules and I don't know what else. I kept saying "ok" to the point my father started mocking me, parroting "ok, ok".

The shock part was good because I relayed the message to my parents without getting upset. No tremors, no tears.

I sent texts to the Favorite Naval Consort because I knew he couldn't call. He sent back a strange message that I misinterpreted and I got mad. Mad is good, it distracts from sad and panicky.

But I leaked for the rest of the day. No weeping, just a steady blur. It started around City Square as I looked out the window and thought that the city didn't look beautiful to me. I never think that. Not in any season or any circumstance. It was a sunny winter day and I was safely bundled up. I "leaked" all through the rally, but lots of people wiped away tears caused by the winter wind or incipient colds. I "leaked" all the way back to my parents. I stayed in my room a lot.

Finally I called Grace and Jen in the evening when I could trust my voice. Then I called Frankie, my son and sent a message to my son Tom. Grace was off and running with organizational tasks, her forte. Cytoxan is an all day thing. I need a ride there and back, but my family also wants to make sure I am not alone. So my father will drop me off around 8am. My son Tommy and my sister Jen will be with me at various times in the morning. Grace will come around 3 and my brother Frank will pick us up at 5pm.

First there will be some drug to coat my bladder or kidneys, I forget. I just remember it's because Cytoxan is so damaging to them. Then an IV of Cytoxan...which is related to mustard gas. Then a break and some fluids. Then a second IV of Cytoxan. So I am there all day.

One of the most common side effects of Cytoxan is lethargy. If I become any more lethargic, I will be comatose.

The biggest laugh on me is that because I have been so lethargic, I haven't managed to really DO anything with this extra time I was trying to steal. I wanted to go to Virginia with Frankie and see my ex and his family. And go to Miami and lounge on the beach and visit friends there.

I actually had a secret plan to go to WEST 2011. But truthfully, the plane ride alone would have meant spending the next day in bed.