Truth Time...

Well, some truth.

Someone has hurt me. Let me down. I didn't want to see it. I have foolishly internalized it.

And I have suffered where I shouldn't have. And others close to me have suffered needlessly.

I know many of you have seen my recent absences as "cancer/transplant/recovery" related. In truth, they have not been. They have been stress related.

Although most people in my life and in my "blog/online" life have come shining through for me during my battle, not everyone has. One person couldn't bear up under the pressure. One person couldn't take my increased emotional neediness. One person couldn't handle my emotional turbulence.

This person promised to see me through this no matter what.

But..........

This person got........as they put it.........tired.

I couldn't/wouldn't see it.

It was too distressing to think I had put so much faith in this person's love for me and was so terribly, terribly wrong.

There is a recurring theme in my Multiple Myeloma email group - and I supposes it is in all cancer email groups - about people who can't deal with you. Spouses, lovers, friends who can't take some aspect of the battle. And it is a battle. I have shied away from that term because to me it seemed disrespectful to people in the military. But I've changed my mind. Anyway, when I first read those emails from fellow cancer patients about their experiences of loss, I thought "That won't be me." But since the transplant, I have just deleted them without reading them. It was hitting too close.

I felt this person pull away. And I made one excuse after another. Excuses for their stress and their fear and the added burden of my nuttiness.

And believe me, I have been nutty.

I have gone from a self-assured, carefree person to a person I really don't like sometimes.

And I fight it. And I know I will come out the other side.

And that process begins today. I am letting go. I am acknowledging that this person is not who I thought. This person was selfish and cowardly. It's hard to do after eight years of believing otherwise.

But I need to focus on other things. Other things including myself. I have been so stressed about this. I haven't been able to sleep or focus. It's overwhelmed other parts of my life.

No more. This isn't my fault. This wasn't my choice.

Sorry

I know it's like I fell of the face of the Earth!

Between staying at the cottage and now, being in Virginia, life has been chaotic to say the least.

Things are good and I am getting stuff done. More blogging soon, I promise.

Actually, I came upon an unexpected opportunity tonight. My ex's daughter has a school field trip coming up to meet USS Indianapolis survivors. I was floored and begged to come along. We have to check dates, but if there's any way to make it happen, I am going!

What an incredible opportunity.

Also, Curt is helping with my odd laptop problem.....the numbers 1,2,3,4,7,8,9,o and their associated symbols are not working (I am on the hotel computer right now). Do you know how hard it is to do ANYTHING with just the 5 & 6????

I have been keeping up on Twitter.....if you missed me, maybe you should have a Twitter account...I'm just saying. I was making a point out there the other night and said that even though I was a Republican, I was socially liberal. I friend sent me a text after seeing that and said that was like describing Patton as "mildly aggressive". I'm not sure how to take that, lol!

So this computer doesn't have (or I can't figure out) the capability to open multiple windows. So there are no links, etc.

OK, off to do other things, but I will be good from now on....promise.

Is It Too Early To Go To Bed?

I might have overdone today...physically.

I think bedtime will come wicked early tonight.

International Talk Like A Pirate Day

You know what to do

For Those On Sal's Porch

This is me, pumping my own damn gas....resplendent in China Glaze's
High Maintenance". The color and the name suit me.

My Breakfast At Harvest Cafe

It's stuffed French toast with cream cheese and bananas. I was too late for the blueberry compote. Yes, I know you are surprised I was late, but really it .....it was not my fault.....traffic where I90 meets I290Harvest Cafe
40 Main Street - Historic Wood Square
Hudson, Ma

A Full & Fun Day!

I have to get to bed. I am exhausted! But today was a fun day full of history.

My swag! The Boston Harbor Islands have trading cards!
The "War Of 1812" movie will air on PBS October 10th. I highly recommend it.

I put up a bunch of Tweets before and after the movie including this one -
"My one criticism of #PBS "War of 1812"....not enough #USNavy!! WTF? More Lawrence. More Oliver Hazard Perry. More McDonough at Champlain"

To which @1812Heritage replied -
When you do a Doc on the whole #Warof1812, everyone will say what about the... Get PBS BOSTON to do:"1812:War on the Atlantic"

What could I say except -
"@1812Heritage You are absolutely right....but as most of my Tweeps know....I'm a Navy Girl, right, @NavyNews? #WarOf1812"
I learned stuff all day. About the Civil War & about the Canadian perspective on the War of 1812.

War of 1812 & Other Historical Stuff This Weekend

So, I've cut it close and everything has to go just right tomorrow.........

When has that ever happened to me????

Anyway, I am picking up a car at 10am.

At noon I am catching the ferry to George's Island, I already have a ticket.

At 1:45 pm the Massachusetts Historical Society is hosting "The Trent Affair". It's about the Civil War and that's my weakest subject, as I often moan to The Armorer.

I am catching the 3:30 pm ferry back. That's means I have to grab that car and dash out to Northampton for a preview showing of PBS's "War of 1812" movie.

I'm psyched! I'm going to go to bed now because I walked allllll over Boston today.

TSO will be happy to know I hit the "Roxy's Grilled Cheese" food truck. It was outside the Boston Public Library at Copley. He was giving me a hard time about it...so now I've been.

Actually I got to the library at around 2pm, got a library card (haven't had one since I was in high school), printed out some stuff I needed and was at the food truck by 2:40pm. I told the guy who took m order that TSO had given me a wicked hard time about not having tried it until now. He nodded sagely & said TSO was right. I took my stuff, I got "The Rookie" & some fries, over to the grass in front of Trinity church. It was delish! Fries were good, sandwich was yum! After eating I walked around the Farmer's Market they do there and got a pie to bring home. I'll tell you about that later, I'm too full to eat pie on my way to bed.

Anyway, Jen called me at 5 pm to ask if I was out of the library yet....I told her yes, I wasn't homeless.

So....early to bed and hopefully early to rise.

National POW/MIA Recognition Day

The United States’ National POW/MIA Recognition Day is observed across the nation on the third Friday of September each year. Many Americans take the time to remember those who were prisoners of war (POW) and those who are missing in action (MIA), as well as their families.

See How Important I Am?

From Drudge:

"FBI: Celebrities targeted by computer hackers"

This hacking thing is so bad, the FBI has to investigate. I hope they send Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. to talk to me about my Yahoo attack (sorry if I spammed you today).

The other Drudge headline states that "Dem Party leaders mobilizing to solidify president's standing with Jewish voters to counter image Obama not friend of Israel..."

As my friends in grade school used to say....."No shit, Sherlock!" Obama has that image 'cause he's NOT a "friend of Israel". If you thought he was......all I have to say is "Thanks for playing our game 'Who Stands With Israel'....and we have some lovely parting gifts for you."

My Yahoo Email Was Hacked

Sorry for the spam.

Don't open links from me.

Use Gmail (same name) to get ahold of me. Or FB

It's Almost Like A Hangover, LOL!

I got to a lot of things the last few days and life had a bit of a roller coaster feel.

Now it's Monday and there are things to do....but I am having a little trouble getting rolling.

But I was up at 8 am to move the rental car - thank you Hertz!

And I have my sheets in the washing machine because there was a smear of chocolate on my pillow case - the sign of a true chocoholic.

I should go back on Atkins today. Especially since my Dad is feeling like it too. Always easier when the biggest snacker in the house is with you. Jennifer went on just as I fell off the wagon, so that would make it easier all around too. I have a group-on or living social voucher for a gym nearby. There are so many gyms, I could go a few months just sampling. I think a combo of the good weather and the down economy is what's sprouting these good deals.....so I may as well benefit.

There is a lecture at the Kennedy Library tonight and if they still have space, I may go.

My Marine and I saw "Apollo 18" Saturday night in my new favorite theater. Island Cinemas in Middletown Rhode Island was reasonably priced, clean, and on a Saturday night, there were three other people in our movie screening. It's not like seeing it in IMAX or CineBistro, but for your average movie it was fine, good sound quality. Good sound is important when you are there with the King of Artillery. The movie was ok. It had some scary, jumpy parts - I love that - scare me, don't just gross me out. Although it's hard to give in and enjoy the scariness if your date is making fun of you constantly, lol. I'm not one to spoil movies, so I won't tell you why I didn't like it. But overall, entertaining and you couldn't beat the company. And on a positive note, my hamburger club at Coddington Brewery was AWESOME. I love people who will still let enjoy a "death sentence burger", you know, a little pink.
So I got home a midnight just like a good little Cinderella. I knew I had to get up crazy early. So I went right to sleep, right? Wellllll, not exactly. I turned on the laptop in bed. It's a big no-no. I'm very near forbidden to have the laptop in bed, but I do it all the time. The other half of Team M refers to the laptop as my lover because I sleep with it so much.

So I had a hard time getting up Sunday and barely made it to Cambridge Common in time to see the runners leave in their red TeamRWB.org shirts. I'd like to let you think it's because My Marine kept me out so late and say ......"It's not my fault!" But it wouldn't be true.

I followed the United We Stand 9/11 "Moving Tribute" Boston down Storrow Drive - in a car, lol - and took pics along the way. however the bulk of them are really dark because I was shooting from sunny places into shadowy places. I really need a tutorial on Dad's camera. People used to complain about cell phone pics on the blog and you must admit, these are much improved....but could be better.

After the run concluded, I walked up to the State House for their ceremony. Well done, understated & respectful.

Then I dashed down to the Charlestown Navy Yard for Old Ironsides observance.

I had planned on going home, eating, showering and heading over to the service project being run by Massachusetts Military Heroes...........but I made one mistake.

When I got back to the house........I put my head down for a minute on the couch. Bummer. I was out for hours.

I barely woke up in time for the earlier-than-usual airing of Pundit Review Radio. Followed by MIDRATs.

So it was an early night. And as I reviewed the weekend, I concluded that I could have done without the Multiple Myeloma conference on friday. As frequent readers know, the bulk of my problems physically and mentally have come from chemo and not from the actual cancer. So I chose the breakout session "Managing toxicities".

Now first let me say that this was a very nice event at the Westin Copley. It was free for me and there was a lovely lunch. Many well intentioned people at the MMRF pulled this together to educate the MM patient population. I appreciate that, truly. Without doctors in this field and drug companies doing/sponsoring clinical trials I would be dead already. Some doctors and researchers and patients enduraed all kinds of things so my oncologist Dr. Miller would know how to push me into remission. Not an easy task with a refractory IgA lambda.

The keynote speaker was Dr. Richardson from Dana Farber. If I correctly understand their heirarchy there, he is directly above Dr. Schlossman, the doctor I rejected in favor of going with Dr. Miller at Tufts/NEMC. you can read about that circus here.

Dr. Richardson was also the speaker in the smaller breakout session on toxicities. They talked a lot about PN, which is a huge problem in the MM community. There were several back and forth conversations, but one in particular sank me.

Let me back up a little. People who care about me (and I appreciate you all) try to read up on Multiple Myeloma. They see all the good news about treatments and SCTs that push people into long durable remissions. That's great. But those people are IgG patients. They are quickly pushed into remission, they are the drug success stories, they have the 10/15/20 year remissions. This topic was discussed at the conference. That a patient can be pushed into a long successful remission and when it ends they can do it again. Subsequent transplants aren't as long, but hey, if you have one that lasts 20 years and a second that lasts half as long.....that's pretty good.

But I am IgA. My groups average is 2 years. and it's harder to get there. So you can see why I am not as excited. Hey, it is what it is. And I am ok with that most of the time.

During the lunch break, I went down to the bar and got a Stoli Cape Codder. I'm not supposed to drink, but the two I had during the Conference are the 3rd and 4th ones I've had in the last 13 months, so bite me.

I also had Hershey Nuggets in my Route 66 tote.

So...that was my mood heading into the breakout session -

Now back to these interesting discussions on toxicity with Dr. Richardson. He was by the way very nice and engaging and helpful. He seemed to care a great deal. I understand a little better why people would endure the circus that is the Dana Farber Meloma Clinic to see him.

He was speaking with one man and mid conversation, the man pointed out he was not IgG, but IgA. Dr. Richardson said "Oh, well....", his expression clouded over, the smile disappeared. Then he quicklyrecovered.

I put the drink stirrer in my vodka and cranberry and used it like a straw.

When I left I got a walk in appointment at an Aveda Salon for a fabulous massage, thanks Group-on.

Conclusion, I shouldn't have gone.

#911Plus10

That's the Twitter hashtag for today.

I plan on being on the Cambridge Common at 7am for the United We Stand 9/11 "Moving Tribute" Boston.

It winds up in Boston Common in time for the 8:30 am tribute at the State House.

Then onto a service project from 11am to 2 pm at the Mother's Walk on the Rose Kennedy Greenway. We will be preparing packages to be sent to our Troops overseas. This event is being run by the Massachusetts Military Heroes Fund.

At 4pm (note the earlier time) my friend Matt will be joining my friend Kevin for a special "Someone You Should Know" - Rick Rescorla. Tune in to AM Radio 680 in Boston or online at wrko.com.

5 to 6pm is MIDRATs, Navy blog talk radio with CDR Salamander, Eagle1 & LCDR Claude Berube, USN

And because I never expressed it better than I did in 2007, I'll just link that one - 8:46 AM.

Off to Newport!

Someone challenged my spontaneity....

Please............

I'm Already Sabotaging Myself

I just woke up. somhow the alarm didn't work......imagine that!

9 to 10 am was "Registration & Exhibits" what the hell kind of exhibits are at this event?

"Clinical Insights In Multiple Myeloma Patient and Caregiver Symposium"

I guess I better go get in the shower....it's 10:07 am now.

You know mornings were never my strong suit anyway.

It's not my fault.

Complaints? Orders?

I just got in from my night with Grace & Jen. We were checking out a possible venue for the annual Kelley Family Christmas party. Then we had dinner at Victoria's Station in Salem. After that it was off to the Liberty Tree Mall Theater to see "The Help". We liked the movie, but Grace was particularly affected.

I was peeved with myself for misremembering the year Medgar Evers died. I was off by two years. Tsk-tsk!

My plan was to hit the hay quickly because I have a conference to attend tomorrow....about Multiple Myeloma. Not sure I want to, but I bought a bag of Hershey Nuggets in case I go and need consolation.

Anyway, you know I had to peek out here and in both my Yahoo and GMail (so I could hardly miss it)

"Four days without a post, and yet you have not gotten past the preface of McMaster's book?

Yer Marine says "Quit skylarkin' and fall in, you feather merchant!"

He's the one who told my I was living the life of a housecat....why is he surprised?

If he wants something, why doesn't he try to bribe me with dinner.....or something. I'm much more amenable to someone trying to corrupt me than someone giving orders.

My Friend Lynne Rocks!

I talk about my prognosis very matter of factly. But people who know me, know what I really want....

Sure it's my preference to be realistic and take what the doctors say literally. That way, when they are wrong, it's a pleasant surprise. But I don't mind at all when people contradict me.

And Lynne knows!

I made a comment that ended with "....when I'm gone....".

She waved her hand at me and said she wasn't listening.

"You're not going anywhere."

Thanks Lynne!

"If this had been an actual emergency...."

UPDATE - 09/04/11 2245 - Grace would like to know if you have all noticed the beautifully embroidered table cloth under my ridiculous chocolate indulgences.
"..... the Attention Signal you just heard would have been followed by official information, news or instructions."

So it was just a drill. But I didn't know that. I rolled with it and laughed when I figured out what was actually going on. You gotta do whatcha gotta do. You can't stop and ask "Is this real?"

But now I am decompressing the way I do ....we've got some Hershey nuggets with toffee and almonds....some Coke...and an "Ultimate O" from Zume's Coffee House.
Don't worry, I had a giant salad and an apple first.
I'm good in a pinch. Always up for the mission. You can call if you need me, but try to make sure you have my compression supplies handy for after.

Great Article on #Yoga & #PTSD

Veterans heal traumatic stress with yoga
Many combat veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan have found a new form of therapy.
Hannah McGoldrick
August 31, 2011 11:23
BOSTON — It was three months into the first deployment of the Army Reserves to Saudi Arabia and the troops were still acclimating when a Scud attack came and changed one enlisted soldier’s life forever.

Maj. Sue Lynch was 20 at the time the Scud, a tactical ballistic missile, hit her compound during the Gulf War. When the missile hit she couldn’t move, frozen in the shock of the event.

“I shut down, I went completely numb,” Lynch said.

In the event of a Scud attack, soldiers are ordered to get into chemical suits for protection, but Lynch was unable to move. A fellow soldier was able to get Lynch to safety but the attack left Lynch scarred.

“You start to make jokes about it, you watch them from the rooftops like the 4th of July fireworks,” she said. “But when you come home it’s not so funny.”
*******************************
Read the rest here.

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