Well, some truth.
Someone has hurt me. Let me down. I didn't want to see it. I have foolishly internalized it.
And I have suffered where I shouldn't have. And others close to me have suffered needlessly.
I know many of you have seen my recent absences as "cancer/transplant/recovery" related. In truth, they have not been. They have been stress related.
Although most people in my life and in my "blog/online" life have come shining through for me during my battle, not everyone has. One person couldn't bear up under the pressure. One person couldn't take my increased emotional neediness. One person couldn't handle my emotional turbulence.
This person promised to see me through this no matter what.
This person got........as they put it.........tired.
I couldn't/wouldn't see it.
It was too distressing to think I had put so much faith in this person's love for me and was so terribly, terribly wrong.
There is a recurring theme in my Multiple Myeloma email group - and I supposes it is in all cancer email groups - about people who can't deal with you. Spouses, lovers, friends who can't take some aspect of the battle. And it is a battle. I have shied away from that term because to me it seemed disrespectful to people in the military. But I've changed my mind. Anyway, when I first read those emails from fellow cancer patients about their experiences of loss, I thought "That won't be me." But since the transplant, I have just deleted them without reading them. It was hitting too close.
I felt this person pull away. And I made one excuse after another. Excuses for their stress and their fear and the added burden of my nuttiness.
And believe me, I have been nutty.
I have gone from a self-assured, carefree person to a person I really don't like sometimes.
And I fight it. And I know I will come out the other side.
And that process begins today. I am letting go. I am acknowledging that this person is not who I thought. This person was selfish and cowardly. It's hard to do after eight years of believing otherwise.
But I need to focus on other things. Other things including myself. I have been so stressed about this. I haven't been able to sleep or focus. It's overwhelmed other parts of my life.
No more. This isn't my fault. This wasn't my choice.
4 years ago