Friday, September 30, 2011

Truth Time...

Well, some truth.

Someone has hurt me. Let me down. I didn't want to see it. I have foolishly internalized it.

And I have suffered where I shouldn't have. And others close to me have suffered needlessly.

I know many of you have seen my recent absences as "cancer/transplant/recovery" related. In truth, they have not been. They have been stress related.

Although most people in my life and in my "blog/online" life have come shining through for me during my battle, not everyone has. One person couldn't bear up under the pressure. One person couldn't take my increased emotional neediness. One person couldn't handle my emotional turbulence.

This person promised to see me through this no matter what.


This person they put it.........tired.

I couldn't/wouldn't see it.

It was too distressing to think I had put so much faith in this person's love for me and was so terribly, terribly wrong.

There is a recurring theme in my Multiple Myeloma email group - and I supposes it is in all cancer email groups - about people who can't deal with you. Spouses, lovers, friends who can't take some aspect of the battle. And it is a battle. I have shied away from that term because to me it seemed disrespectful to people in the military. But I've changed my mind. Anyway, when I first read those emails from fellow cancer patients about their experiences of loss, I thought "That won't be me." But since the transplant, I have just deleted them without reading them. It was hitting too close.

I felt this person pull away. And I made one excuse after another. Excuses for their stress and their fear and the added burden of my nuttiness.

And believe me, I have been nutty.

I have gone from a self-assured, carefree person to a person I really don't like sometimes.

And I fight it. And I know I will come out the other side.

And that process begins today. I am letting go. I am acknowledging that this person is not who I thought. This person was selfish and cowardly. It's hard to do after eight years of believing otherwise.

But I need to focus on other things. Other things including myself. I have been so stressed about this. I haven't been able to sleep or focus. It's overwhelmed other parts of my life.

No more. This isn't my fault. This wasn't my choice.


Kanani said...

I really wish this person had sought counseling and support by going to any number of groups for families going through the struggle. That was their downfall: an inability to ask for help.

But I wonder: how much support is a person who won't ask for help themselves? Because being able to help is dependent on putting your own ego aside. And if someone isn't able to do that, it really means they are so caught up with themselves, they have lost perspective. It means there are a lot of things in their life that just aren't right.

So move on. You don't have time to help them sort things out. Especially if they don't want you to.

I'm really sorry this happened. Just remember you are not alone in this fight! But it is very lonely without that someone who you thought you would be able to rely upon. That truly sucks. I'll be thinking of you all day.

Anonymous said...

Profound, Maggie. And it doesn't just go for your own illness. I've seen when one is a caretaker dealing with illnesses of others. The "support" group gets weary. The friends shy away. Don't return phone calls. Avoid. It's horrendously painful. I think it's more about others feeling uncomfortable because YOU are a reminder of how little we can really control our own lives. That life can change you in ways you don't like even when you don't give life permission to do that. They get fatigued. They let go. And they are sure they'll never need a friend themselves someday who will hang in there till the bitter end? It's their issue, not yours. How nice to have the luxury to flee from someone else's pain and neediness when life presents unsolveable problems. I've been on the receiving end of that. It does tend to weed out the social friends from the real friends. I'm here for ya... Anyone who fights cancer is my hero. DeltaBravo

Kanani said...

Painful memory from my past.

My mother was going through chemotherapy.
A friend of hers called --an old friend who my mother had helped time and time again. She wanted to know how my mother was. I told her how things were, that she was managing and we were there to help.
I knew my mother would love to hear her friend's hello, so I asked the friend if she wanted to talk to my mother.
"Oh, no," she said.
I begged.
She just wouldn't.
Now, I can understand the friend's perspective --she didn't want to intrude.
But what I see now is that this friend could not put her ego aside and come to the aid of someone when the chips were down.
My mother died not long after. The friend and her husband attended the funeral. She could not make eye contact with me.
I hope people were nicer to her when she got old and passed on.

Yer Marine said...

For once, when you say "this isn't my fault", you are correct.

So, there's one....

phrank said...

I do not know you or your friend. But I wish you well. Sometimes we let down the ones we love the most. Not because we don't love them but because I guess we hope they might understand us being weak and forgive us.

K-Dubyah said...

I'm really sorry for your being let down, Maggie. Some people just don't deal well with it. I think they've missed out on a special opportunity to really share love with you.
I know how hard it is. My Grandma and my Daddy succumbed to this insidious beast called cancer. Within my own family there were those who just couldn't handle the 24 hr care that was needed. Those of us who did, did because we couldn't imagine anyone else taking care of them. But we did need breaks, not always easy to get when there wasn't anyone he'd let take care of him.

I wish you much love, and much joy as you need to get you through the rough patches.