A Townie Responds to Complaints About Old Ironsides

As noted in another post, some random couple who live in the Charlestown Navy Yard want some peace and quiet.

You see, they bought a condo smack dab in the middle of a historical site, in close proximity to a United States Navy commissioned warship. Not just any warship, mind you, but America's Ship of State - USS Constitution.

Like any commissioned ship in the United States Navy, the officers and crew carry out "Morning and Evening Colors" every day. Except that the Sailors of Old Ironsides do it better than any other crew (no offense to other ships I have been aboard, I love you all....but someone has to come first).

There have been several articles in the local newspapers and on the websites of local TV and radio stations. Comments in most places have been largely supportive of the ship and her crew. This is very gratifying. What has also been nice, is the fact that this support comes from both "Townies", Charlestown natives and "Toonies" people who have moved into our very insular neighborhood since gentrification began in the 70s.

One of the comments left in the article "Officers cool to softer Ironsides" was particularly funny for it's ribbing of the "Toonie" attitude.

A Townie response to the USS Constitution Cannon reverberation
After reading the recent article in the Boston Herald (Nov 7, 2009), concerning the sonorous cannon volleys of “Old Ironsides”, I have come to the conclusion that is time for the “Townies” (indigenous natives) to cut some slack toward the “TOONIES” (Newbies).

We must try to assuage the anguish of our Navy Yard gentry. The very thought of the magnificent U.S.S. Constitution disrupting a wine and cheese soiree by shattering their crystal goblets and Merlot bottles, unnerves me, as it should you.
The “TOONIES”, (we need these people), are richer, smarter and more sociable –just ask them--.
Yup, they’re the ones writing out a check in the express line at our local supermarkets or using their debit card to purchase a cup of coffee in a crowded donut shop.

They love to have their dogs do their business at town parks especially the parks with “No Dogs Allowed” signs displayed everywhere. These people are not selfish or elitists, “TOONIES” just have a different set of rules.

In light of recent complaints about cannon fire and halyards clanging against flagpoles at our “Fireman’s Park” on Bunker Hill Street, I would like to propose five suggestions to bring the “Townie” and “TOONIE” together.

1. We should dismantle the Bunker Hill Monument coarse by coarse and place it on the deck of Old Ironsides. This would be a “two-fer”, there would be about a 17’ foot overhang, but we could just push the extra granite blocks into Boston Harbor. This would allow for more sunshine and open space. We could use this area to start our own vineyard or perhaps an upscale soccer stadium – NO scoreboards Please ! A special “TOONIE Vote” would decide on the new location of the Constitution and Bunker Hill Monument.

2. Remove all the deceased in the ancient Phipps and Bunker Hill St. burial grounds. This space can welcome pet cemeteries, were love ones could gather on Sunday with a “Bloody Mary” and a Croissant.

3. Level the historic “Training Field” and start construction of a ten story “Starbucks” complex with the first floor dedicated as a day care center for future “Thurston Howells”.

4. Marshmallow Fluff should be smeared on all flag poles over five feet. The flag poles should also be surrounded by twenty feet of mulch to allay the clanging and soften the blow should these “staffs of honor” topple in bad weather.

5. Finally, all ball fields should be removed from the “Neck” and the “Oiley”. This land is much too valuable for athletics alone. We must develop these waterfronts for future ““TOONIES”” even as the Townie young are forced to head north up Rte 93 to search for affordable housing. “TOONIES”” and “Townies” can live together. History and tradition do not have to be adhered to.

I have to go now, there is a BMW car alarm screeching through my apartment. Oh God! It just cracked my domestic beer bottle.

A concerned Townie,
Fred Ezekiel
Charlestown
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This is just some gentle teasing. As I said many of the complaining couple's neighbors have expressed scorn for the whiners. Townies and Toonies alike have laughed at this ridiculous complaint. But as a Townie.....I had to laugh when the link came to my email with a note to my cousin Chrissie to "Make sure Diane sees this!" Thanks for the smile Zeke!
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Remember - you can go here and sign a petition to show support for USS Constitution's officers and Sailors as they carry out this and other fine Navy traditions.