You Know When People Say.....

...."I wish I wasn't right about this."???

I never understood that. Until today.

I LOVE BEING RIGHT! Until today.

I have said the words "I wish I wasn't right about this." with the proper sincere tone. But I didn't mean it. Until today.

Four four fucking months I have said "I don't have any symptoms. What if I am doing this for nothing?"

And I was RIGHT.

Nothing.

Nothing.

NOTHING.

I DID THIS FOR NOTHING.

FOR FOUR EFFING MONTHS.

There was nothing wrong with me until I let them make me do things to cause problems.

Do you understand that? Because I when I tell people they just nod sympathetically. But I don't think they see.

Ask anyone who saw me in July. I was 32 lbs lighter. Tons of energy. A little tan.

And happy.

Where am I now? I told him today. I am poor and getting stupider by the minute. "By the minute?" he repeated. It's true. I waved "Sea of Thunder" at him. I gestured toward Jennifer "Do you see this? I started it last week and she wants to know why I am not finished yet. I can't focus."

He read the title. He told me not to take it the wrong way, but he thinks I am the only female patient who has ever had a book about a naval battle in his office.

Now I know how people feel when the police specialist tries to talk them off the ledge.

I probably got maybe half my points across today.

I told him that I wasn't going to do a transplant until my numbers were much better. He agreed, that made perfect sense.

He said Velcade is generally well tolerated.

That's what he said about Revlimid.

Pissa.