Sarcasm

I got this email from Nic's dad, Fred.

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal RevenueService, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted theDepartment of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the processfor becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen toillegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senateand for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisionsis accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fineand income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good dealwhen I see one and I am anxious to get the process started beforeeveryone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxesevery year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years oftaxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent resultfor me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the localemergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stoppedpaying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relativeto her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates formany colleges throughout the United States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burdenof renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome carinsurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,